Dancing with the Chemo Dragon

Yesterday started Round 2 of chemo. The actual time with the chemo in the IV was about two hours, but prior to receiving that there was about a liter of preparation solution and anti-nausea stuff. And following the chemo will be two days of continuous solutions pumped in to flush the chemo slowly out so that  my liver doesn’t get a big hit. So far it has been bearable. I got back in to watching Breaking Bad before getting here, and his bad reactions to chemo built up some horror expectations, but mainly it has been various minor discomforts. 

As I mentioned previous, when I receive radiation I pull up an image based on my short experience with Aikido, basically a whirling dance of reception, combining the active force with the passive receiving force, then redirecting the total energy into a non-lethal controlled finish. What drew my attention in yesterday as I was there is that the plastic mask (pictured in a prior post) that is used to keep my head in proper position each time, has been an icon of sorts for that treatment.

Icons, those used in the Orthodox faith, are seen a windows into another world. Almost shamanic one could say. So I see that mask as a window into Western medicine. I was feeling very fine until my neck got a little swollen. Western Medicine said that there was something underlying the swelling. More tests and before I knew it, Western medicine had me in the hospital even though I felt fine. But that’s okay. Since I view everything in life as some sort of play, well, I would let the doctors play and take care of whatever they felt was “wrong” with me. I entered their world, and would receive what they would give. But Scott’s world is larger than that. And it also includes many parts I can never comprehend consciously and so I must trust that there is always more unknown than known in my world. 

That was all to just say i find it interesting that somehow I’m using an Eastern Christian symbol of icon and an Eastern martial art to blend into Western medicine. What to make of that?  Hmmm.

And sliding sideways in dance. When I meditating on some of that last night, chemo has become a sort of dance too, but in a bit more dark mode. I kind of picture the slow somber dance steps one might see in medieval court. And the words about dance of Alan Watts come to me. He said that in dance, there is no destination. You don’t dance to end up in a specific place. You dance for the pleasure of dance, each moment flowing into the next until the music finishes. You can’t dance completely if you have a goal in mind. You have to be in the moment.

Or another example: a symphonic performance. If it were all about the finish, then the conductor would launch headlong into the fastest possible tempo to get there right away. But that doesn’t happen. Each moment builds on the next, but each moment is perfect in itself. You could later analyze various parts of the musicality for deeper understanding, but the deepest understand is of the whole, presented moment by moment. Moment by moment participation in the sounds creates a mysterious joy, one felt not just through the ears but in the body as well. And by the end, there is just release.